Half

How did you spend your Sunday night?

Obviously I stayed in, ate ice cream and watched "Teen Mom 2" 

(And may or may not have cried like a baby)

Just watching this show feels like a support group. I can relate to some aspect in every one of these girl's stories. A couple of them are still single, a couple are remarried, and for the most part they all have support from their family and friends. (Who wouldn't be my friend if I was on a hit TV show?!). One experience they all have in common though, is the deep heartbreak of losing time with their child. 

I recognize the importance of the presence of both parents in a child's life, and I'm not here to argue otherwise (because I know this is equally as hard on the other side). I just want to acknowledge the struggle of a mother losing time with her baby.

When I was pregnant with my sweet little boy I never once thought, "Gee.. I'd love to only spend half of his life with him!" I don't think anyone does. As a mother you bond with this tiny being for nine months. He makes you sick, hungry, cranky, ecstatic, fat, sappy, crazy, and more in love than ever thought possible. I  connected with Noah early on in my pregnancy. I never doubted that he was my little boy.. I even told the ultrasound tech we didn't pick a girl's name because he was a boy and his name was Noah. She looked at me like I was crazy...

The first time I saw my little alien on the ultrasound, he was sucking his thumb. It was perfect.





The second time he actually looked like a baby, practicing his karate after I guzzled down a cold smoothie.




He was born and I saw his face and I knew he was mine.






My world changed. Being a mother felt so natural, so beautiful. I loved being able to  watch my tiny human make connections, learn, and grow. I could never imagine my life without him.

And then divorce happened. I don't want to get into the drama of it all, because it's not relevant. Losing time with Noah, especially this year, felt like someone reached into my chest and ripped out my soul. I lost every part of my identity- who I was for four years, who I was meant to be... Granted I now have more time to myself that a full time mother could only dream of... I really would give it all back to be with my baby.

I know I'm not the only single mom out there. I know I have been lucky to have support from family and friends that a lot of other single moms don't have. But it breaks my heart to think that my baby was raised by strangers in a daycare/preschool. That he spends time with people I don't know 50% of the time. It sounds like I'm a control freak (which I am a little..). But if you're not a single mom, imagine handing over your kid to an ex-boyfriend, one you don't love or trust, for half the year. It's heart wrenching. And we do this on a regular basis...

I guess I don't really have the answer, but more of a question.... How do other single moms cope with this?